The Tasks of Grieving

A spouse, relative or close friend has died, and your life feels like it has been turned inside out.  So much has changed: what interested you a few months ago now seems strangely insignificant, energy levels have “gone all over the map,” and you are feeling dazed and confused.   You are grieving. 

Grief has three tasks which it seeks to address:

1.  Understanding the Death

What was the cause of death?  What was being done at the time of the death?  What other circumstances were present?  These questions, and others, form the need to understand how the death occurred, and to know that all that could have been done was done.

2.  Emotional Acceptance

Acceptance does not mean I like or even agree with what has happened, but that I bring into my understanding of my world the fact that a death has occurred.  Emotions experienced can be quite varied with the more common ones being, sorrow, anger, guilt, and despondency.

3.  Forming the new Identity

Prior to the death, part of your sense of self was based on the presence of the person who is now missing.  You were married but now you are single or you may have had two children, but now you have one.  Death has changed your identity and the work of creating a new sense of self is the major part of grieving.  It is the most exhausting and is characterized by extended periods of confusion, doubt, and uncertainty.  Energy levels may be low and emotions are frequently raw – it doesn’t take much to push you into tears, anger etc.

Time:

How long does it take?

These three tasks are not accomplished sequentially. Instead, the bereaved individual labours at all of them simultaneously with the easiest and therefore the shortest task, “Understanding the Death,” initiating the entire process.  Of the three tasks mentioned, “Forming the new Identity,” requires the greatest amount of time and effort.  Consequently, as one grieves they experience good days and bad, times when progress seems to be made then a feeling of sliding back.  Grieving takes energy and the overall effect is a generalized feeling of lethargy.  Mild depression can also result.

The good news is that we all have resources to help us grieve.  Friends may be helpful as are other family members.  Professionals such as clergy, doctors and funeral directors are available to assist you if you feel you need someone to talk to.  Remember though, they cannot do your grieving for you or even change it.  Your grief is unique because the relationship you had with the deceased was also unique.  There will be some things in common with other grieving people, but despite this your grief is your own, and only you know the sense of aloneness this creates.

Key Benefits to Grief Counseling

Toronto:  416-283-4088

Durham:  905-706-2821

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Last modified: 09/19/03